I've put off writing my first blog entry for long enough. I
simply could not think of something specific to focus on, although I had an
overall idea what I wanted my blog to be about.
Before I get into the real meat of what I would like to say
to the world, first – unfortunately – it’s necessary for me to give you some
back history about myself. Context is always important! Please bear with me,
because each piece of the puzzle is important for a full picture.
I’m not going to tell you all about my childhood. All you
need to know is that I had a pretty humble upbringing. My parents struggled at
times, but my sister and I were always happy enough. My family is not Catholic,
but my parents decided to send my sister and I to a Catholic school from
Kindergarten until 7th and 8th grade. They wanted to make
our education a priority, and they recognized the quality of private schools.
As I grew up, I found it very difficult to fit in and make
friends. I was not Catholic, and I
remember one particularly poignant moment in second grade, when I was excluded
from practice and preparation for First Communion. It really hurt me, and left
a bitter taste in my mouth for years. Not only was I set apart from my peers on
a faith basis, but I also lived 30 minutes away from all of my schoolmates. I
believe that all of these factors, along with some growing pains with my sister
and sickness in the family, led to the major depression I fell into around the
age of 13.
At 13, I started to relate to the gothic and “metalhead”
scene, and spent as much time as possible online exploring these subcultures. I
felt like my feelings were understood! As I got older, I completely bought into
the rebellious worldview and abandoned all of the morality I had been taught
all those years at the Catholic school. I felt liberated and free! Finally, I
could ignore the guilt and live carelessly!
Yeah yeah, all teenagers go through a rebellious stage.
That’s normal! Well, I wouldn’t say I was the worst teenager ever… I’ll let you
judge for yourself. I’m only able to reveal all of these secrets publicly
because I have since been redeemed.
·
I delved into pretty much any of the major
religions you can think of. Eventually I was drawn to Wicca, and was very well
versed in it. I was actively seeking covens to join. After awhile, I seriously
considered joining the Church of Satan (LaVey Satanism). In the end, I became
an atheist, refined my views and finally rested as an agnostic.
·
I read and wrote extremely graphic “romance”
novels, and considered myself bisexual for about 3 years. It was more than just
an empty claim, at the time.
·
I pierced my eyebrow with a safety pin once. Ooo
rebellion.
As you can see, most of my issues were intellectual turmoil
and self-destruction. I drew inverted pentagrams and upside down crosses and I
wore Cradle of Filth t-shirts. I did everything I could to set myself apart
from the “non-thinkers”. To me, all of the “normal” people were the same, and
they all believed whatever they were told by their parents. As for myself, my
faith was an amalgamation of whatever sounded good to me. I blew around with
the wind; I was carried like a feather from one view to the other and I had no
consistency in my thinking…
…Until I met a mysterious man on the Internet. He asked me
probing questions, and he seemed interested and concerned about my worldviews.
He poked holes in all of my “arguments” (which were really just opinions
masquerading as clever ideas), and tossed all of my beliefs on their heads. I
didn’t know what to do!
To make a long story short, this man instructed me - first
in philosophy. I became obsessed with it, particularly the workings of Logic,
and was insufferable to be around for probably a good 6 or 7 months. “You must
prove that each and every premise of your argument is true before I will ever
consider what you’re saying,” – yeah, I was that girl. God bless my parents for
not kicking me out of the house.
Over time, my heart was softened. I met this mysterious
Internet guy in person, who was from London of all places, and here we are – 4
years later – married and beyond blessed! But this is not our story. This is a
blog about my relationship with Christ, first and foremost. My marriage plays
into God’s grand scheme to have me with Him for eternity.
My future husband made me take him to Mass. “I have only
missed one Mass in my entire life,” he told me, when we first met. Well okay
then. Hopefully I won’t be struck down the moment my foot passes the threshold…
To my surprise, despite the discomfort of feeling completely
out of place in a Catholic Church, I found the return experience extremely
peaceful and comforting. I continued to go to Church with my boyfriend for the
duration of his 3 week visit to the USA. And then I kept going back on Sundays…
One day, after Mass, the priest approached me and said that
he knew my boyfriend and I were considering marriage, so I should come to the
“Theology of the Body” classes he was guiding. I have no idea why I decided to
go. It must have been the Holy Spirit, because I was generally quite shy back
then and tended to avoid any potential social interactions. Nevertheless, I
attended. And it changed my life FOREVER.
Theology of the Body, presented by Christopher West in some
DVDs and guided by my parish priest was the driving force that inspired me to
learn more about Catholicism. The more I learned, the more I loved. I was over
the moon to find a religion with so much intellectual history, so many answers,
and no apparent contradictions in the most important aspect: the philosophy.
When I read part of the Summa Theologica by St. Thomas Aquinas, I was pretty
much in heaven. I signed up for RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults)
as soon as I possibly could.
I could stop here, and say “I got through RCIA and the rest
is history!”. But first I have to say a few words about my RCIA experience. I
get the impression that most people decide to become Catholic and RCIA is just
a stepping stone to get there. That was not the case with me. I threw myself
into RCIA with everything I had. I read all of the notes given by the
instructor, I took as many notes myself as I could, and I read a lot of the
supplemental material that was thrown at us. I asked questions. I dug deep. On
the spiritual side of things, I saw and attempted to root out as many bad
habits as possible – no matter how small – from myself before Baptism. I wanted
to be holy, and I was on fire with the faith. RCIA was the only thing I looked
forward to in the week, and I attended come hell or high water.
My instructor’s
teaching methods really clicked with me as well. He was very logical,
straightforward, and incessantly precise with his wording. I loved it, and for that reason I think my
fellow Catechumens thought I was insane. I will be eternally thankful for his
catechesis (and for his service at my wedding. Please pray for him, he was
ordained as a deacon about a week after I got married!).
Earlier I mentioned that I am able to air my history without
feelings of shame or remorse, because I have been redeemed. Being Catholic, I
know that at Baptism all of my sins were forgotten by God, because of Jesus’s sacrifice.
I have been made new! And although I still have the memories of my past, they
are no longer a part of my life. It’s like remembering an old nightmare – it
has no power over who I am today.
So that’s my story! 2 decades wrapped up into about 1,400
words. Next up… I’ll be writing about my actual conversion experience, and how I revoked the lies of the devil.
