The Power of the Deceiver... The Saving Grace of Christ

I would like to share something that I wrote immediately before (and after) Jesus took hold of my heart. They were written in October and December of 2011.

I lost control of my own life… Somehow, I let myself become so absorbed in my own thoughts and desires that I lost sight of our Lord. I fell deeper into this black pit of vanity and self-obsession. My relationships suffered, the only person I truly love with all of my heart was becoming distant, I was severing our ties of trust and unconditional love. He might have left me, I know now that instead, he prayed for me. Every thought became dark, and I thought I would never know of God again. Hope was eliminated from my heart. I knew that I was lost, and there was no way to return to the light of Love. I panicked. I wanted to die at times, I wanted an end to my anguish and hopelessness. I wanted to be back in God’s good graces, but somehow I could not find the motivation to do something, to seek Him out and ask forgiveness.

In a way, something inside me did not want forgiveness. He felt so far away, further than He ever was before in my life. I was starting to hate. True hatred, pure black venom of loathing towards anyone and anything. Happiness was not possible, not with the vile thoughts coursing through my brain. Satan was taking my soul. Oh the patience of that abhorrent grand master of treachery and deceit! He saw my weakness, and slowly picked at the threads of my faith; placing false theologies in my path at every turn so that I may accept it and be taken from the path of righteousness. Every day I slipped further into the abyss.......

Darkness and despair seem to multiply upon themselves as they fester in your soul. Negative thoughts lead to even more loathing and pity. You keep following these thoughts to the end, until left with the inevitable question… What is the point? I am going to die, I have accomplished nothing, and I will never accomplish anything worthwhile. Perhaps I should die to end this pain I feel. And the worst thing is that you know your pain is unjustified. You have anything you could ever want, yet you are overcome by this void. It pulls you down in every waking second.

This is not you. You can feel in your soul that there is something dysfunctioning. I think we have all been here before. And we all handle it differently. I coped by burdening my boyfriend with all of my self-loathing thoughts, my desperate attempts to feel valuable. He was steadfast and although I put him through hell (literally, I might argue) he always waited out the storm and never failed to say that he loved me still. This wasn’t enough to pull me out of the darkness.

One day I decided to finally read “Heaven is for Real”. I don’t know why I picked it up. I guess I was just sick of lying around feeling sorry for myself. Or perhaps I was just searching for an escape from reality. Whatever the case, after I picked the book up, I could not put it down. I finished it in about 2 or 3 days. And when I did, I felt restored and renewed. I remember pausing for a moment and asking myself "what if Jesus really did exist, and what if He was who He said He was?" It was a rare moment of vulnerability, for I prided myself on my skepticism. Letting down those barriers allowed the floodgate of God's Love and Truth to pour into my soul. The book of itself was of little consequence. It was simply the leverage the Holy Spirit needed to transform me from the inside. I realized it then: Christ is indeed real! God is real! He actually loves me, no matter how far I have distanced myself from Him!

It all hit me and made perfect sense all at the same time. I felt an intense urge to rush outside, and did so. I knelt on the ground and began weeping and laughing like a crazy person. I felt such joy and relief knowing that I will be okay. I don’t have words to express how I felt in that moment, but it was one of the most intense ones of my life. I did not see light with my physical eyes, but rather with the eyes of my soul and I felt warmth and peace everywhere. I decided in that moment to offer my life to Christ. I wanted to align myself with His will. It was the absolute least I could do for a God who loved me so unconditionally! And as I thought this, I knew, we try so hard to earn God’s love but it is unnecessary because he loves us all infinitely. We don’t have to earn His Love, we need only to accept it in our hearts!

I felt reborn and renewed. All of my past mistakes were thrown in a new life and I realized that they all led me to this point. For all the perceived “hardships” I had been through, without each of them I likely wouldn't have come to this beautiful moment full of joy and hope. And this lends credibility to the idea that God has eternal patience. We think that our life can’t get much worse, but we have not an inkling of what God has in store for us down the road. This thought keeps me going [every] time I feel discouraged for my life path.

After discovering the power of Love through Jesus Christ, my life radically changed. Life is so beautiful, how blessed I am to go through it all. I began praying regularly, and I scarcely ever had an unanswered prayer (I can’t actually think of one). How wonderful it was to know that my God was really listening and communicating with me!

In the beginning of this story, note that despite my philosophizing and reasoning at the time, I still had an empty void inside. Rationally, I was agnostic but hopeful that there was a loving God out there. Note... the moment I let my guard down and dropped the skepticism - from prideful to humble - the Lord showed me His face! 

I remember that the night I encountered the Love of God, I took up a beautiful freshwater pearl rosary that I had never used before, and draped it around my neck before going out to dinner with family. I was in the clouds... I remember hardly being able to concentrate on anything anyone said because I was still in awe!

Since writing this, my spiritual life has been refined and honed by the Holy Spirit, and have been blessed beyond my wildest imaginings. The love that God has for me has permeated every facet of my life, and I am no longer blind to it. Not only does He answer my prayers in the most just way possible, but he also blesses me with gifts I never would have expected! A surprise check when I'm running out of money, a kind gesture from a stranger when I'm feeling antisocial... all of these little things are manifestations of Love. I do not believe in coincidence, and I'm in the process of banning the word "luck" from my vocabulary.

God works to bring us to Him in the most extraordinary ways. As I look back on my life, I realize that if I had not rebelled and gotten lost, I would never have seen the value of returning to our Father. Like the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), we will be welcomed home with open arms and great rejoicing.

"...this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

Next blog post: Why I chose Catholicism over all the other (arguably "easier") denominations